The Top 5 Things a Bro Should Be Thankful For This Thanksgiving

Well, it’s been over three months since my last post, and in those three months a lot has changed. I was blessed to have secured myself full time employment. Yes, a regular paycheck and work experience is extremely important, but I do miss the era of 7-days-a-week of drinking and sleeping in until noon (oh, and going to class occasionally on the side). Now my life is all TPS reports, striped ties, public transit commutes, and 11pm bedtimes. And word to the wise, a bro should never move back to his old college town when he secures full time employment. I like to compare it to chugging a fishbowl from Stuff Yer Face: at first it seems like the BEST IDEA EVER, but too much of a good thing is a usually a bad thing, particularly when your body is not designed to handle that much liquid/sugar/alcohol (college girls/loud bar music blaring while you need to sleep/alcohol). So after as much much soul-searching and growing up as one can do in three plus months, I forgot about this blog and figured it would kind of shrivel up and go away. 

But where’s the fun in that? Even though my hard drinking, staying up past midnight, and freshman-chasing days are now (mostly) things of the past, why not live vicariously through witty satire? So with that, and a little too much time on my hands for the first time in three months, I give you my special Thanksgiving entry: the top 5 things a bro should be thankful for this Thanksgiving. Agree, disagree, discuss, enjoy. 

 

5) Yoga Pants

If you’ve ever seen yoga pants, whose ubiquitousness is on display around college campuses wherever the temperature is cold between October and April, you’ll understand why this is number 5 on the list. Whereas in the past, cold temperatures meant the temporary retirement of booty shorts (which themselves deserve honorable mention for this list) for sweatpants, etc. until spring, now even the winter doesn’t disappoint. Then again, with the good comes the bad, as every bro has also seen their fair share of girls who should definitely not be flaunting their stuff all year long…

4) Keystone Light

Ah, Keystone…that delicious, watery brew that, for many of us, was the first taste of the wonderful world of alcohol (probably after paying $5 for a flat solo-cup’s worth). Why, you ask, would a beer that is basically just rejected Coor’s Light (which, itself, is terrible) be something so worthy to be thankful for? Well, first off, Keystone is uncomfortably cheap…I can probably buy almost 100 thirties of Keystone with my biweekly paycheck, and I work for the government, so that’s saying something. But what sets it apart from other cheap shitty reject-beers is the taste…while Natty Ice almost always leads to vomiting and PBR is…well, ironically awful, Keystone just goes down so smoothly, with only a slight taste of urine and regret. Plus, you can even fortify it with cheap vodka to add that extra umph, and it’s still drinkable. And it’s super easy to shotgun. So drink up this weekend, and even if you have some classy, barely pronounceable German beer (FranzKafkashanerr Heffeveiwesssjadeutschland?) think back to the first person that (probably illegally) gave you your first Keystone, and smile. 

3) Freshmen

This one doesn’t need any explanation, as every bro has had many a run in with this easily-distinguishable and awesome subset of college girls can attest to. Whether she was around for two nights, two months, or two years, be thankful that she chose your college, as move-in weekend is and will always be the best collegiate holiday of the year. Just make sure she’s 18, bro.   

2) The Day

Every college has it (except for maybe the University of Alaska at Barrow): that one day in April or May (or March? Global Warming maybe?) where the weather, for the first time in months, is just right. It’s sunny and warm. Bros grill, day drink, porch sit, and listen to the tune of the week (2012 honorable mention: Call Me Maybe). This alone may seem like an awesome day, but why is it the day bros should be so thankful for? Sundresses and bikinis. It’s only 60 degrees out? Who cares. You live 50+ miles from any semblance of a real beach? Whatever, bro. It’s The Day, and you bet that every inch of the quad is filled with hot, scantily clad women trying to “tan.” And that is why you thank the good Lord for inventing The Day. And also for the excuse to day drink.  

And last but not least, what every bro should be most thankful for….:

1) Their Bros

A cheesy cop-out, I know. But it’s true! Through thick and thin they’re there for you, even if they do steal your girlfriend or ice you uncontrollably for a month straight. So be thankful for your biggest critics, your favorite drinking buddies, your best friends: your bros.Because a bond like that is priceless…or at least is equal to whatever they hiked up dues to this semester. 

 

So stay classy, keep it bro, and have a Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Advertisements

Bro, Turn that Shit Up: the Proper Soundtrack of a Bro

Music is a very difficult topic to discuss. Everybody has their own opinions of what’s good and what’s bad, and due to the personal nature of one’s music taste, it can become quite a defining characteristic. If you listen to indie shit like Animal Collective or Neon Indian, you’re a dirty hipster and please take a shower and wear baggier jeans. If you listen to NWA, you are either scary or an angsty white-boy. If you listen to shit like the Backstreet Boys (do they still exist?) or JBiebs, just stop.

But what about the Bro? What does such a versatile and perfect specimen listen to? This is a subject of much debate, but I will settle it once and for all. The five following songs all make up the unfinished but quintessential soundtrack of the Bro. Think of it as the beginnings of NOW 69.

Disclaimer: Although these songs may not be good, and most of you may/will disagree with me, over 3 years of blasting these beats on the porch trying to attract coeds to party has empirically proven that these songs embrace in some way the Bro lifestyle (brifestyle?). I know Call Me Maybe sucks ass, but chicks love that and that’s why it should be played at least twice an hour when the weather is over 70 degrees, including the remixes. So without further ado…

1) “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen

Okay, I know Call Me Maybe is a terrible song. It’s the epitome of poppy nonsense, with stupid, meaningless lyrics, a disgustingly annoying yet catchy beat, and a shitty pre-teen auto-tuned chorus that makes me want to throw things. But for some reason, girls love it. They LOVE Call Me Maybe. Walk by a freshman dorm and sing “I threw a wish in the well” and I’d be willing to bet my whole year’s salary (don’t get too excited it’s like four figures) that you’d get at least 10 barely legal girls screaming  back “don’t ask me I’ll never tell etc. etc.” I wish that an artistically better song was loved so much by hot 18-year-old biddies but alas, kids’ tastes these days are going far downhill, and the bro must adapt. Thus, learn the lyrics, love the song, swallow your pride, and play it at least twice (plus one remix, preferably Call Me Levels) at every party. Like it or not, this is a must.

2) “Levels” by Avicii

Although Levels is not innovative in any way musically (it’s like 4 notes on a synthesizer), science has proven that even the most bro-hater of losers is physically unable to NOT get up and start fist-pumping to this song. It’s like electronic happiness for 3 short minutes. It conjures up the taste of Red Bull Vodkas in your mouth, and you can almost see the striped button down shirts of the bros and bro wannabees in the club. It is bro-fection. But if you’re an actual fan of electronic music, you are doomed to hate it for its popularity and annoying simplicity. So if you are both a bro and true electronic music fan, roll your eyes, swallow your pride, and accept it.

3) “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye

This one is a sleeper pick…at first glance it seems both cliche and kind of old, of which both are true. But this classic from the Godfather of Motown is both about love making, a past-time close to every bro’s heart, and commonly used to accompany said love-making. Plus, it makes you, the bro, seem cultured and classy, a good smoke-screen to disguise your true intentions. Mostly, though, it’s just a damn good song from a true bro king.

4) “Gin and Juice” by Snoop Dogg 

Pretty self-explanatory…Snoop Dogg (or now, as he apparently likes to be called, Snoop Lionn) waxes poetic about money, booze, sex, weed…it’s basically every bro’s unchecked id speaking out, running amock and gettin fucked upppp.  Any bro can sing along and feel like a G, even if they’ve never done anything Dogg (Lionn) raps about.

5) “Ghosts N’ Stuff” by Deadmau5

An easy song to dance to, and a great song all things considered, a bro can do many of his favorite activities to this song…grind and drink. Also, fistpump. It’s popular enough that people will know it but still slightly under the radar to those who know nothing about electronic music such that you can seem cool knowing it. A good wildcard in the bro repertoire.

 

These are just five examples of what should be included on the bro soundtrack. Feel free to agree, disagree, discuss, and add to the great canon of bro songs.

4 Reasons a Bro Does NOT Belong in the Suburbs

Ah, the suburbs. A place of safety, security, and predictability. A paradise on earth where the mundane banalities of life such as mowing the lawn, excessive Netflix watching, and even an early evening trip to Fruity Yogurt make up the staples of life. Norman Rockwell-level Americana.  Suburban life certainly suits many types of people: children, families, etc. But one key demographic just does not belong in Suburbia: the Bro.

Bros are like lions. We are fierce and also the kings of our jungle (modern society). A bro stuck in the suburbs is like throwing a lion into the prairie dog habitat at a zoo…it’s just not meant for us. Much like a lion would subsequently lash out by mauling the prairie dogs and maybe pooping everywhere, a bro stuck in this suburban “prairie dog habitat” may become unhappy and lash out with heavy drinking and an overall malaise.

 

What follows are the four main reasons a bro just doesn’t belong in Everytown, USA.

4) Odds are you don’t live walking distance from a bar/liquor store

We all know that bros love to drink. When I went to college, I was always walking distance from no less than 10 different bars and two or three liquor stores…only state law prevented me from being able to drink to excess any time I desired. Now I don’t live walking distance to anything. Sure, suburban towns may have a watering hole or two, maybe a liquor store, but not usually in or near the (rich, secluded) residential neighborhoods bros like us “live” in after college. This major impediment to a bro’s consumption of alcohol does not bode well for his overall psyche.

3) It lacks  a steady stream of new girls

The best part of college was that every year 2,000 or so naive, needy freshmen girls would storm onto campus, ready to drink and make mistakes. What 18 year old girl doesn’t want to spend her first night of college passed out on some grimy bro’s carpet wondering if this is what Asher Roth meant in that crappy song? And by the time the freshmen girls wised up and lessened their indiscriminate sexual escapades, there were still thousands more random girls to meet any given weekend. Conversely, when it comes to girls, your hometown after college is like a stagnant, mosquito-filled blowup pool in the backyard. There’s always that girl you hooked up with in high school you could go back to, or the fat girl who never went to college and works at that fast food store but I swear she lost some wait guys, or…you get the picture.

2) There are no day to day differences in life

Bros are noble and exotic creatures. We crave stimulation and excitement in our lives. Suburbia does not afford the necessary diversions and stimulation to keep a bro’s mind sharp. If you live in a city or college town, every weekend can be a new adventure. A parade here, an all-day 32 team beer pong tournament there, etc. But in the ‘burbs, the days just mush together. Tuesday becomes Thursday, Sunday is the new Friday…it just doesn’t matter. No longer can one use drink specials to determine what day it is, and that makes it a very sad, sad day indeed.

1)  You begin to lose your bro-ness with every passing day

I’ve embraced the bro lifestyle for nearly four magical years now. I pride myself in that. But since graduating college two months ago (and with at least another month and a half till I begin my job and hopefully move out someplace more interesting), I’ve definitely noticed a sharp decline in my bro-iness. I’d like to call this problem Low B. I’ve been noticing these Low B symptoms a lot more recently…for example, I’ve given a pet name to my kitten, Sir Piebald, Sherriff of Spottingham, complete with a personal back story on his accomplishments. That’s not okay. My alcohol tolerance is lower, and I’ll even go to bed before 2am sometimes. I barely leave the house…I’ve let Low B take over my life so much I almost want to set up a charity in my name. This is what happens in the suburbs, but fortunately it is a reversible malady.

Well I hope you enjoyed my first every musings on The Pursuit of Frattiness and please feel free to leave comments and feedback!